I used to have willpower.  I know I did.  I’m just finding it really hard to find these days.  “Willpower may refer to self-discipline, training and control of oneself and one’s conduct, usually for personal improvement.” I’d love to find my willpower and put it to use in terms of fitness and weight loss.
Perhaps it’s just lack of time.  It could be lack of interest.  It could also be lack of condition.  It could also be arthritis.  It is so hard to push myself to exercise. When I exercise I feel muscles getting stronger.  I also feel sore, but it’s not that “good” sore that tells you you’ve done a good thing by stretching and moving things.  It’s that awful “-itis” sore that comes with arthritis and tendonitis. Things hurt a lot quicker now than they used to.
I am afraid that I am finally “old”.  For years, I have said, “I am so old”.  I have a video from a home Daycare provider.  It shows Matt when he was around 4.  He is decorating Christmas cookies, and he says, “Donna, (the daycare lady was also named “Donna”) guess what?  My Mommy is OLD.”  He had heard me say it so many times.  At that time I was 35.
I used to be able to lose weight easier.  Perhaps it’s the stress.  I am a big stress eater.  I eat when I am bored, when I am nervous, when I am upset.  Some of it comes from growing up and hearing, “Put a little something in your stomach; you’ll feel better.” I was a nervous kid with a nervous stomach.  The doctor told my Mom I was “high strung”.  According to the freedictionary.com, that means “tending to be very nervous and easily excited.” I can remember my Mom giving me a spoonful of Donnagel every morning.  I hated that stuff.  I remember her telling me it was “my” medicine – it was even named after me.  I don’t think you can get it any more without a prescription. It was used to treat diarrhea (or IBS). Sometimes when my stomach feels bad, it does feel better when I “put something in it”.  Eating things that are good for me (fruits and vegetables) sometimes make it feel a lot worse so that is a balancing act, too.
I did WeightWatchers through an At Work group 20 years ago, and I lost 65 pounds. It was back when WW had their Selection Plan.  You were “allowed” (according to their version of the Food Pyramid) so many selections of dairy, fruits, vegetables, starch, sugar, oil and protein.  You had checkboxes to tick off what you had eaten, and you could easily see what you had left for the day.  If you got hungry, you checked the tracker and if you only had fruit left, you ate fruit.  Another key part of that plan was the portion sizes. You weighed and measured everything, and you were only allowed so much of each selection.  It was an ideal plan for me because I am over-organized.  It was structured, and it was precise.  The Points Plan (or Points Plus) they have now does not work for me.  You are allowed to eat anything you want – you just have to count the points.  When you reach your total allowed points for the day, you are done eating.  That type of “freedom” is too much for me.  I cheat all the time on that type of plan.  I have tried it over and over and over again.  There is also the “buddy” component of the WW plan.  I was successful in the past because we were all doing it together.  It makes it so much easier to lose weight when you have others around you doing the same thing.
I also did the Atkins diet 13 years ago.  I lost 40 pounds eating mostly protein.  I got so sick of meat and cheese and eggs.  I felt like I was drowning in grease all the time.   To this day some of the traditional breakfast meals – bacon, eggs, etc. can nauseate me because they bring back that “Atkins” feeling.  My doctor suggested I not go that route again.  I don’t think I would be inclined to – it’s not natural to totally eliminate something from your diet.  It makes you want it all the more.
I believe if I could manage eat in moderation (better portion sizes), move a little more (to keep arthritic joints moving better), and make better choices (more healthy foods and less junk/sugar), I could be successful again at losing some weight. I can’t turn back the clock. I’d love to be in my 30’s again when I thought I was so “old”.  I had it good back then and didn’t know it. Then again, I like “me” a lot better now than I did 20 years ago.  I am more relaxed and a lot happier about where I am in life.
Maybe I should blog about losing weight – it’s a thought.  I am on the My Fitness Pal website.  I tried blogging there, but I don’t really “know” most of the people who are on my friends list.  They are just folks I’ve met online. It’s not the same, and there’s usually not much in the way of feedback when I do post things on that site.
So I am still looking for my willpower.  Maybe I will find it when we pack up and move at work.  I have less space to occupy in our new set-up – maybe I should work on “less” of me, too.