soul-searching3I have been doing a lot of soul-searching. My school advisor when she reads her emails will think she’s hooked up with a real nut job. I’ve written her three emails today. I’ve turned myself inside out and back again at least a dozen times over the past several days. This isn’t a snap decision. It’s been coming on for a while now.

When I originally enrolled in school back in 2010, I was working at a small start-up company that had funding issues. The reality was that I would soon be missing a weekly paycheck. I enrolled in school online because it fit my situation. Having dealt with job rejection in the past because of the lack of a college education, I felt that since I’d be looking for work a degree might be handy to have.

I did not know at the time that within 8 weeks of becoming unemployed, the patent world would suck me back in. The start of the new job forced me to cut back on my schooling. I was taking two classes at a time. When the new job began, the stress of working in a new environment and learning new things drove me to reduce my schooling to part-time. I couldn’t handle it otherwise – it was too much. I stuck with school, though. It took me three years, but I went on to earn my degree with the highest honors. I was so excited and proud to finally be a college graduate.

While school was finishing up, I spoke with a trusted advisor – the professor who had taught the majority of my web design classes. I asked her what she thought about my continuing on and achieving another degree. Her thoughts were that it wasn’t necessary and she suggested I instead work on achieving a number of certifications through Adobe. I decided not to go on with school. I was content with that decision.

A few months later, I changed my mind. Most of my (much younger) classmates were going on with their schooling. I felt left out. I was as good as they were at web design. I found my present school – another online program, and I began the enrollment process. I got to where I needed to take the placement exams. I changed my mind again and told them I’d decided to take some time off instead. I was content with that decision. It was such a relief to have time to myself again and to not have to worry over school assignments.

Then I began to listen to the people who suggested maybe I shouldn’t stop after all. It was a shame not to go on farther. My confidence had grown so much. Maybe they were right. Maybe I was selling myself short. I took the placement exam and finished the enrollment process. Classes began in February.

I didn’t enjoy school as much as I had the first time around. It was different. It was harder. There was more work to be done. The new school worked on a different schedule. Classes began the week on Monday instead of on Sunday. At the old school I used to get a huge jump on the following week by working hard on Sunday. I couldn’t do that with this school. Classes were of varying lengths. The classes at the first school were all 7.5 weeks long. The new school had courses that were even more intense and crammed into 6 weeks. Some courses lasted 12 weeks, and some were even 15 weeks long. Most of the classes at the new school overlapped. That meant that while you were working extra hard on a final project or presentation in one class, you would also be starting a new class and gearing up for that. There were very few weeks where you only had one class at a time. There are almost no weeks of time off at the new school. I believe there is a week off in the summer and 2 weeks off at yearend. The old school had a month off in the summer and a month off in the winter. There was time to recharge. This new school was a lot different. There is a lot of live interaction at the new school. The old school had almost no live interaction. You worked on your own and at your own pace. Nothing was really scheduled – you set your own schedule. The new school has live MEET sessions where you log in for several hours at a time and participate using a headset. It was no longer fun. This school also has a prerequisite policy. The old school had no prerequisites. The new school will not let me take any of my web design classes for at least another YEAR AND A HALF. I have to take all the Liberal Arts prerequisites first. At my first school the classes were more evenly distributed. I was doing web work along with liberal arts work. I was no longer content.

I do homework at lunchtime most days, and I spend most of my evenings in front of the computer, doing more work. It never stops. My day job is high volume and quite intense. Then I come home and continue with the intense work. Working this hard and this long every day is horrendous.

My soul is so thoroughly searched that it feels scraped raw right now. I have spoken to friends, and I have talked and talked and talked with my family. The advisor will find the last message from me this evening that indicates that by Monday I will be dropping all three classes I’m enrolled in for the summer. The Algebra class was to start officially on Monday. I’ve already done some of the assignments (they make you start working 10 days ahead of the class official start date). I have 2 weeks left on the Film Appreciation class, and I will finish that out and then consider myself officially done. I hope the school agrees.

So what does that gain me? I have the satisfaction of knowing that I gave it my best try. I had two A’s in two classes. I wasn’t failing by any stretch of the imagination. Something had to give, though. I was pushing myself so hard (not resting, not sleeping, and not eating well) that it was only a matter of time before something went wrong for me. I also do not regret or feel bad that I discovered it just is not for me. I have to step away from it now, and that’s okay.

I feel such elation to have reached deep inside my soul and found the answer.

Image courtesy of Pinterest


10 thoughts on “Soul-Searching

  1. You know what’s best for you. You don”tneed an advanced degree to know just how intelligent you are. Love you Coz


    1. Thanks, sweetie. I knew school was the ugly monster who had taken over my life when I stopped caring about and taking care of anything else. I had no time for anything else. I got up, did schoolwork, went to work, came home, did schoolwork and went to bed. It was an unhealthy “relationship” so I kicked school to the curb. I have two weeks to finish out the one class I’m already 3/4 of the way through (and have already paid for), but that’s it.


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