It seems some days as if I am just existing. Looking back over my blogging the past few weeks, it seems as if all I have time for are a few squirrel snapshots and an odd book review here and there. That’s about all I have had time (and mental capacity) for.

Anyone who knows me knows I have high blood pressure (my entire family does/did). My Doctor has been trying to add a second medication to the BP medicine I currently take to get my numbers just a bit lower. The first new medicine try made me loopy (foggy-headed and dizzy) and overly emotional. I cried (A LOT). The second new medicine try bothered my asthma (I developed a dry cough and my lungs hurt). I couldn’t walk around without my chest and throat burning. The third new medicine try has lowered my numbers, but it also seems to have side effects. I have muscle and joint aches and pains, and I have a sharp stitch in my right kidney area. I went for bloodwork yesterday to test my potassium and creatinine levels. I am still waiting for the results.

It’s been a rough month. I have felt less than stellar, and I still have to get on with life. It’s been a challenge. I have attempted posts, I have dabbled at book-writing (or story writing), but nothing has gotten posted because it’s not up to my usual standards. Here’s a snippet I started the other day when I was feeling sick and blue:

Superlady doesn’t live here
I can’t do it all
I can’t fit it all in
I can’t keep putting myself last
I can’t let everyone else go first
I can’t take on another project
I can’t ignore my own needs
I can’t expect so much of myself
I can’t make it alone

Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself and stuck in negative land (“I can’t” seemed to be the theme at that moment). My co-workers will get a chuckle about the “take on another project” reference. The difficult part is that feeling sick/blue/broken is similar to high blood pressure. Like high blood pressure, it’s a “silent killer”. There are no outward signs. No one knows you suffer unless they find you crying in the corner (which unfortunately I have done recently). It’s easy to put on a brave face and just keep plugging along no matter how you feel inside.

My internal nature is that of a caregiver. I take care of everyone else – to the detriment of my own health and well-being. I suspect that is something I will always struggle with. It doesn’t make it right. Recognizing that challenge might help me to be a little more selfish on occasion. Work, homework and family can wait or can take care of themselves. I have to become more egocentric.

5 thoughts on “Existing

  1. Eric has probably mentioned that his Dad had BP problems and the Dr. told him that there are many, many BP meds and we just have to keep trying them until one will work. And they did. One of them finally did work. Keep God on your shoulder and He will help find the right one. You are welcome to come visit whenever. Love you. Mom

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.