Existing

It seems some days as if I am just existing. Looking back over my blogging the past few weeks, it seems as if all I have time for are a few squirrel snapshots and an odd book review here and there. That’s about all I have had time (and mental capacity) for.

Anyone who knows me knows I have high blood pressure (my entire family does/did). My Doctor has been trying to add a second medication to the BP medicine I currently take to get my numbers just a bit lower. The first new medicine try made me loopy (foggy-headed and dizzy) and overly emotional. I cried (A LOT). The second new medicine try bothered my asthma (I developed a dry cough and my lungs hurt). I couldn’t walk around without my chest and throat burning. The third new medicine try has lowered my numbers, but it also seems to have side effects. I have muscle and joint aches and pains, and I have a sharp stitch in my right kidney area. I went for bloodwork yesterday to test my potassium and creatinine levels. I am still waiting for the results.

It’s been a rough month. I have felt less than stellar, and I still have to get on with life. It’s been a challenge. I have attempted posts, I have dabbled at book-writing (or story writing), but nothing has gotten posted because it’s not up to my usual standards. Here’s a snippet I started the other day when I was feeling sick and blue:

Superlady doesn’t live here
I can’t do it all
I can’t fit it all in
I can’t keep putting myself last
I can’t let everyone else go first
I can’t take on another project
I can’t ignore my own needs
I can’t expect so much of myself
I can’t make it alone

Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself and stuck in negative land (“I can’t” seemed to be the theme at that moment). My co-workers will get a chuckle about the “take on another project” reference. The difficult part is that feeling sick/blue/broken is similar to high blood pressure. Like high blood pressure, it’s a “silent killer”. There are no outward signs. No one knows you suffer unless they find you crying in the corner (which unfortunately I have done recently). It’s easy to put on a brave face and just keep plugging along no matter how you feel inside.

My internal nature is that of a caregiver. I take care of everyone else – to the detriment of my own health and well-being. I suspect that is something I will always struggle with. It doesn’t make it right. Recognizing that challenge might help me to be a little more selfish on occasion. Work, homework and family can wait or can take care of themselves. I have to become more egocentric.