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Someone asked me today if it was hard when I first started writing, initially putting myself “out there”. I told her the truth – yes and no. I write primarily to please myself. I found freedom and joy in writing, and I got some nice compliments when I first started doing it so I kept going. I do find many times that I have to self-monitor and tone down what I’d like to say. Do I sometimes resent that? Of course, I do.

There are times when I am angry or bitter over something that happened at work, out in public or at home. I’d like to vent, and I’d like to let off steam. If I said many of the things that I’d like to, I’d end up hurting someone’s feelings or causing problems at my job. I have to constantly review what’s been drafted to make sure that I won’t put myself in a bad light. Everybody gets mad, but I don’t have to share it online where the world can see it.

There are many days when I am blue and lonely. I’d like to wail and cry here on my blog, but my fear is if I did that, I’d end up scaring people. My hubby knows how I feel. He knows I miss him every second that he’s away from me during the week. I try to do my crying in private – in the shower or in the cellar – so that my sons don’t know I’m having one of “those” days. It serves no purpose to let others know that I feel like crap that day. It’s okay to let others know how you feel, but If I posted how low I was every time I felt that way, people would worry about me.

oldpeopleThere are also times I feel like posting less than G-rated material, but I don’t do that either. (Sorry about the picture – but then they’re just butts). I try to stay family-friendly. That’s a concern with the novel that I’m writing. The first draft is letting it all hang out. Yes, there are many sex scenes and many four-letter words. Will they make the final cut? I don’t know. It will probably be toned down a lot if it ever gets published. My hubby knows how my mind works. None of it would be a shock to him, but I still have a mother-in-law and two sons to consider. Using a pen name has also been considered.

I told the person who asked me about “putting myself out there” that I write in private to get a lot of those less than wholesome and less than “sane” thoughts down on paper. If it makes me feel good to write it, I do it. If someone finds it and reads it years after I’m gone, do I care? No. I am who I am. If my sons some day say, “wow, who knew Mom was really like that?” that’s okay. Maybe it will make them smile and shake their heads in fond remembrance of their weird mother.

I refrain from posting anything of a political nature. I leave that to my hubby. He was thrilled last weekend to see a comment that he’d posted on FOX News’s website being read aloud on their Sunday news TV talk show. He laughed out loud, and I came into the room to see a PowerPoint slide on the screen showing his question and his name. I don’t consider myself smart enough politically to voice my opinions. If anyone asks, I will tell him or her that I am a conservative, but I am also more of a moderate and can see both sides of most political issues.

I don’t comment on social hot topics like any of the same sex issues. I believe that what you do in the privacy of your own home is your own business. You can marry a doorknob for all I care. I just don’t want it shoved down my throat 24/7. I don’t run down the street telling everyone what I do so stop sharing what you do with me. Live your life and be happy with who you are. If you are not hurting anyone else, do what you want, and that’s all I’ll ever say on that topic.

I could bitch loud and long about my neighbors, but I won’t do that either. They don’t read what I write so I don’t care if they’d see my rants. I just think it’s small to detail some of the weird things that happen in my neighborhood. I don’t like most people, and if I had my choice, I’d move way out into the middle of nowhere. I know now that we should’ve picked some place more remote when we bought our house. The only neighbors I write or post about are the squirrels and birds.

So as far as putting myself out there, I do it to a reasonable degree online. The more shady parts of my mind stay private and I prefer it that way. I won’t share everything. The one who has the privilege of knowing most of my inner thoughts is the guy I married. That’s the prize he received when he took me on twenty-seven years ago.

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