My antibiotic is finished. My bloodwork is normal. Today is my last day home. Tomorrow I return to the rat race. I do not want to go.
I do not want to return to deadlines, stress and a huge volume of W-O-R-K on a daily basis. I’ve been able to read, rest and write. All that will fall by the wayside when work returns to sucking the life out of me.
I used to love what I do. Now I’m not sure if it’s too much or not. I’ve enjoyed being home even as sick as I’ve been. I can breathe. Work is just that – work.
I like my coworkers. I just hate the idea of working and the reality of my job. It’s been divided across three people since I’ve been gone. That’s how BIG my job is. It’s always been too much work for one person. I wonder if the stress contributed to my health issues.
I know I have to return. I have student loans and a mortgage. I also carry the family’s medical and dental insurance. I have found myself wishing and wondering what if.
I wish that I had been better at web design and could’ve found a way to work from home. I have a degree in it, but we couldn’t afford for me to start over from scratch. Building a business and building a client base would have taken time, money and talent that I didn’t have.
I wish I could afford to retire. The closer I get, the more I’m ready. I am not a traveler, even less so since the digestive issues that have caused me to lose thirty pounds in a year. I just want to rest and relax.
I will miss the quiet, and the calm and the comfort of being at home. I don’t want the stress and the expectations and the discomfort of work. Here I can put my feet up, I can nap, and my family is familiar with my digestive issues. These issues are not always group appropriate or group-friendly.
I will try to enjoy my last day at home in my cluttered, messy house. I’ve been too sick to do anything about the messy inside and out, too. Even with the clutter, it’s home. Home that I will miss. Home that work will take me away from.
I used to say that work was where I went to stay sane. Now I’m not so sure anymore.